life style

A year of why?

It happens to every single one of us. One day we wake up and we just wonder why we're doing all that stuff that doesn't really mean anything to us? For most people in my parent's generation this was called the midlife crisis as it was striking people in their 40's or 50's when they are pretty good in what they're doing professionally, the children have grown out of their teens and they finally understand that they've wasted a pretty big part of their lives chasing money or whatever was driving them. 

My generation however is obsessed with doing everything right in the first place. Don't make a mistake. Don't get into the treadmill of work to fast. Take a year of between school and university, do a work and travel, change jobs in between... . I've always been like that. Even though I couldn't afford to take a year of and I was kinda rushing through my studies, I never wanted to do anything meaningless.

I didn't write a lot of blog posts during the last year as I was jumping from one thing to another, but when I decided to go back to my blog and start writing again, I thankfully read my pages "Who I am" and "Me in 2021" again. What I found was that I had lost touch with the me of a year ago.

I started this blog because I want to help others, but for the better part of 2017 I've been fairly egotistical. I spent 4 months of 2016 more or less full-time in an unpaid refugee project in Berlin, yet I've hardly met any of my new friends. I've spent half a year obsessing about my position in the startup I've been working for, thinking about coding projects I wanted to get done in order to eventually cash in on those projects in one way or another. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and way to high cholesterol: At the age of 25 I'm taking 3 pills every day.

Reading those ideas I had for who I am and who I want to be, reconnected me in some way. I would recommend you to do something like this and revisit it every now and then. I made some changes to those pages and I'm certain that I'll be changing a lot more in the future, but some things are not meant to be changed that easily. Changing them will make you feel uneasy, stressed and you won't like the position you're in. I'll see if I can stick to that and what kind of conclusions I need to draw from there.

Addiction

It’s three in the morning. Pascal’s alarm clock gets off even though the bus he needs to take in order to get to school will only take of in 4 hours. Pascal is just 13 years of age, but he needs to get up. He gets to the computer, turns it on and waits for it to boot up. He gets excited. The troops he’s commanding in a browser game he’s playing should have reached and conquered the enemies provinces. He logs in and checks the battle reports as he is seeing that an army to big to be real is marching towards the provinces he’s controlling. He posts this encounter to the alliance forum and sends out soldiers to befriended territories in order to settle down there and start over in case he gets overrun. 

Why does he do that?

 

Why am I addicted to basically every thing? I recently listened to another episode of one of my favorite podcasts: The Art of Charme. The episode I’m referring to was an interview with Russel Brand called „Freedom from our Addictions“

As Russel was pointing out so brillantly, people get addicted because they are looking to get some kind of fulfillment from an outside source. We starve to get some kind of happiness we should seek to find in themselves. I don’t want to offend people who are physically addicted to any kind of drug as I do not seem to belong to this group, but I cannot help but to notice that I am always kind of addicted to something. Usually I can get rid of my pseudo addiction relatively easily. When I did stop drinking after becoming a muslim last year, I was craving alcohol for some time and I still do when I am at any parties, but I don’t know if one could call that an addiction. What I do though is to do everything in excess. I am very bad in finding a middle ground. I simply wasn’t able to dring one or two beer. I would always just stop when we ran out of drinks, I ran out of money or I was so tired I had to go to bed.

 

I was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure (at the age of 25), which I didn’t have two years ago, but I’ve been suffering a lot of stress since then and I cannot help but to notice that I’ve kind of addicted to work and stress. I feel bored if I don’t challenge myself all the time but I tend to expect to much of myself and as a result push myself to hard. I had two panic attacks since I started my current job (my first one), because I felt I was to slow and made to many mistakes while my bosses said I was doing a way better job than what they did expect. Again the question is: Why do I do this to myself?

 

I for myself know that I’m seeking attention more than I’d like to admit. It’s my ego constantly getting in the way. I need to work constantly to get closer to that picture representing me as I would like to see myself. Consuming a lot of sugar and coffin helps me to work harder, drinking alcohol was the only way I had to slow down a bit. So what do I do next? I found that talking about it helps, but I need to start accepting myself for who I am now without losing the will to improve. I’m afraid of losing my grid as soon as I am happy with who I am.

21st century Muslim

It's been a long time since I have posted something here. Or anywhere for that matter. I joined a little NGO in the end of July 2016. This lead to me doing less and less work for my masters thesis and eventually hanging around there more or less 24/7.  I'm still in the process of going back from there to a "healthy" way of doing it and I will most likely write a blog post about it in the not to far future, but right now I want to talk about something else.

I converted to Islam, one of the biggest religions on planet earth and a religion with a lot of very interesting aspects to it. I need to explain all of these aspects with single posts for each of them and just wanted to give a little introduction to the topic as it is one that I've lately been thinking about quite a lot.

No worries: I won't start being sexist, try to convince you to convert, run around with weapons or stop having fun and humor. I stopped eating pork and drinking alcohol though, which is incredibly hard to do, if you love both of which as much as I do and live in Germany....

I'm looking forward to writing about my thoughts about this interesting religion in the coming days and weeks. Have a great week!