Starting over

About one year ago I received the biggest gift I could have imagined. I got in my very first relationship with a girl that had been diagnosed with depression about two months before. I felt truly understood for the very first time. I didn't really speak of depression when I talked about my problems which I rarely ever did before. 

Two weeks ago I have finally been diagnosed with depression. I always thought that I was letting other people down when I wasn't working as hard as I should have been able to. It is kind of a relief to know this. I'm not letting people down. I'm just not always as strong as everybody else.

Just about a week ago my girlfriend broke up with me for several reasons. I think in the end it all came down to me being depressed and clinging, blaming her that she wasn't caring enough for me and making her feel terrible and insufficient. However I now have to learn how to live a happy life on my own.

I always thought that I'd be happy when I'd get my first girlfriend which was true for about half a year. Then I thought I'd be happy when we'd just have more sex or she'd care more for me. Just about half a week before she broke up I realized that I had everything I ever wanted but I just was not happy. I still think that we've been a good match but I guess I will have to move on. 

When my depression started in this year, I often times realized that days would be shitty. Since I knew how good days would feel, I did not work a lot on those days because I was like 'Let's just stay in bed all day and wait until this is over'. During the last three weeks I have not had a good day. But I've had better days and I've had worse days. I realized that I'd have to work every day to make it the best day possible. I start this blog to document my struggles in order to empower other people who are feeling like me and to remind myself of what I have achieved. Everyday is worth celebrating it and I need to make myself feel like it.