Acceptance

I started to meditate about two weeks ago. I always tried to meditate on my own but it didn't really work out for me. When I started this time, I used an app called headspace.com. It moderates you through every session and it changed my attitude towards meditation and life in general. I always want to control things. I like to change myself to adapt to the world around me, because it gives me control. I makes me feel save. 

Using this app I learned that meditation is not all about making the mind focus on your breath and that you lost the game as soon as you loose focus (Then again my all-or-nothing-mentality kicks in). It taught me that I need to accept my thoughts. It's perfectly natural to have the mind striving around. It's not important to always keep up the focus. It's just discipline to refocus as soon as you feel that your mind has wandered off. 

I've always had problems accepting my thoughts. I've always had problems accepting myself. And in my now gone relationship I sometimes had problems with accepting my spouse. Why am I wired this way? I guess that question will be answered during my therapy, but what I can tell right now is the fact, that I feel the urge to have control in order to feel save. As soon as I loose control I feel uncomfortable and in the moment I can't control myself, I can't change who I am, I start to be disappointed. Meditation now helps me accept me for what I am.

This does not mean, that I can't change myself. But instead of working on myself on the surface I need to accept my wiring and change that. I need to accept what I am before I can change it. And I need to let go. I need to be able to loose control in order to regain control over my life and my feelings. It's quite a strange lesson to learn. But I needed it.