Perfectionism

Perfectionism kills productivity. At least for me that is the most hurting truth ever. 

Even though the articles and pages on this blog don't look all that thoroughly crafted, I truly see myself as a perfectionist. It's not part of my nature to expose stuff that is not finished to the world. It hurts. It makes me afraid that others will think that I am incapable, because they will not see my peace of work as perfect and beautiful as I imagine it to be in the future; I don't start working out, because I would have to do stretching afterwards, to have the best results and I don't want to stretch; I don't even start cleaning up my room, because I would need to take the trash out or do laundry.

So I end up not meditating, not doing any sports, procrastinating on my studies even though I'm in university and feel miserable about myself at the end of the day. This blog started as my way out of the vicious circle, because I could just start of working on an article and finish it somewhen in the future. Most of the time I finished my articles in one session and suddenly I couldn't even start to write an article. Why? Well, I wouldn't be able to finish it in one session.

I don't mean to write something crappy, but I need to work against that perfectionism. Why? Besides the fact that I need years to start working on something, because I know that it will be so hard to finish it, I also don't finish most of my projects. I am a person that a has a very high need of approval and I just loose the motivation if I don't get any approval. I stop to work at most of my projects after hitting 60-80% because it's not new anymore and I would need some kind of approval from someone, even me. 

I finally started working out again after almost a month of missing it. I skipped half of the stretching routines both times, but it is okay. At least I am doing something. I did meditate twice this week, also starting over after a month. I wrote another blogpost, I even managed to read on in that one book, that I had laid aside for two months. I am not very proud of my work, but I am proud, because I managed to show up. At least I keep moving somewhere and as soon as I build up some momentum again, I might even move in the right direction. Until then I will stick to