It’s three in the morning. Pascal’s alarm clock gets off even though the bus he needs to take in order to get to school will only take of in 4 hours. Pascal is just 13 years of age, but he needs to get up. He gets to the computer, turns it on and waits for it to boot up. He gets excited. The troops he’s commanding in a browser game he’s playing should have reached and conquered the enemies provinces. He logs in and checks the battle reports as he is seeing that an army to big to be real is marching towards the provinces he’s controlling. He posts this encounter to the alliance forum and sends out soldiers to befriended territories in order to settle down there and start over in case he gets overrun.
Why does he do that?
Why am I addicted to basically every thing? I recently listened to another episode of one of my favorite podcasts: The Art of Charme. The episode I’m referring to was an interview with Russel Brand called „Freedom from our Addictions“.
As Russel was pointing out so brillantly, people get addicted because they are looking to get some kind of fulfillment from an outside source. We starve to get some kind of happiness we should seek to find in themselves. I don’t want to offend people who are physically addicted to any kind of drug as I do not seem to belong to this group, but I cannot help but to notice that I am always kind of addicted to something. Usually I can get rid of my pseudo addiction relatively easily. When I did stop drinking after becoming a muslim last year, I was craving alcohol for some time and I still do when I am at any parties, but I don’t know if one could call that an addiction. What I do though is to do everything in excess. I am very bad in finding a middle ground. I simply wasn’t able to dring one or two beer. I would always just stop when we ran out of drinks, I ran out of money or I was so tired I had to go to bed.
I was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure (at the age of 25), which I didn’t have two years ago, but I’ve been suffering a lot of stress since then and I cannot help but to notice that I’ve kind of addicted to work and stress. I feel bored if I don’t challenge myself all the time but I tend to expect to much of myself and as a result push myself to hard. I had two panic attacks since I started my current job (my first one), because I felt I was to slow and made to many mistakes while my bosses said I was doing a way better job than what they did expect. Again the question is: Why do I do this to myself?
I for myself know that I’m seeking attention more than I’d like to admit. It’s my ego constantly getting in the way. I need to work constantly to get closer to that picture representing me as I would like to see myself. Consuming a lot of sugar and coffin helps me to work harder, drinking alcohol was the only way I had to slow down a bit. So what do I do next? I found that talking about it helps, but I need to start accepting myself for who I am now without losing the will to improve. I’m afraid of losing my grid as soon as I am happy with who I am.