I stumbled upon another short post on the positive effects of some bacteria living in soil which could be beneficial for the suppression of depression and other mental problems by positively controlling serotonin levels. I decided to make a small adjustment on my workout routine. Whenever I go out to work out, I will do it on some green space, in a park for example. I will go out for my workout everyday and not stay at home. Last but not least I make it mandatory to walk barefoot through the city every day for at least 2k steps.
I've spoken about it before but I find it incredibly inspiring to watch films like that. I need to pick up myself about everyday and on some days, like today, I even fail at it. Put live goes on. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. I'm waiting for it and I'll be ready to enjoy it as soon as it comes.
I started to meditate about two weeks ago. I always tried to meditate on my own but it didn't really work out for me. When I started this time, I used an app called headspace.com. It moderates you through every session and it changed my attitude towards meditation and life in general. I always want to control things. I like to change myself to adapt to the world around me, because it gives me control. I makes me feel save.
Using this app I learned that meditation is not all about making the mind focus on your breath and that you lost the game as soon as you loose focus (Then again my all-or-nothing-mentality kicks in). It taught me that I need to accept my thoughts. It's perfectly natural to have the mind striving around. It's not important to always keep up the focus. It's just discipline to refocus as soon as you feel that your mind has wandered off.
I've always had problems accepting my thoughts. I've always had problems accepting myself. And in my now gone relationship I sometimes had problems with accepting my spouse. Why am I wired this way? I guess that question will be answered during my therapy, but what I can tell right now is the fact, that I feel the urge to have control in order to feel save. As soon as I loose control I feel uncomfortable and in the moment I can't control myself, I can't change who I am, I start to be disappointed. Meditation now helps me accept me for what I am.
This does not mean, that I can't change myself. But instead of working on myself on the surface I need to accept my wiring and change that. I need to accept what I am before I can change it. And I need to let go. I need to be able to loose control in order to regain control over my life and my feelings. It's quite a strange lesson to learn. But I needed it.
I have never really cared for myself. I am a people pleaser and I have always been seeking appreciation in others. I think a big problem that ate away on my relationship was the fact that I did not have a good self care routine installed.
What do I mean when saying that? Well, basically I did not really do anything for myself and the sake of doing it ever. I was always just looking for appreciation in others which made me happy. This has always never been a problem for me since I almost always had a lot of friends around me and since I moved to Berlin for my studies I have always hung around with my room mates and a bunch of other awesome people. I was happy, or so I thought.
Well, of course I knew I wasn't happy. I always thought, I'd be lovesick when I was unsuccessfully chasing different girls over the span of a year or so. I always thought, I'd be happy when I'd get a girlfriend. In the end I managed to be confident enough to get one by working my ass of for years which brought me in some state of 'almost burnout' after half a year of dating my previous girlfriend.
So what's the point? I think I need to learn how to care for myself and how to be happy on my own before I can find real love and have successful relationship. I need to be constantly working on myself. Since I need to fight for everyday to just be okay and feel good anyways, as I described yesterday, this what I need to do anyways.
So what is it, that I do on a daily basis?
- First thing in the morning: go to the bathroom, shower, trim my beard, brush my teeth, use a comb. Everything is better if you're not feeling so fuzzy and beeh after waking up. I really needed to learn this one, especially the comb thing. Since I have naturally dry skin, I also apply some skin care afterwards.
- I use deodorants or perfumes, because I have a nose that I working quite well and I like to smell well. If people try to take that away from you by making fun of you: let them do it. Haters gonna hate.
- I wear good clothes every day. I recently threw away almost anything that wasn't a good fit for me and my body. I will eventually write another blog post on this. However, I don't even wear sweat pants anymore. I just wear jeans. One for the life outside of this apartment and one for the apartment. The one for the apartment is a little bit less tight and made out of a less hard fabric. It's still quite comfy, but I always feel good looking and not to slackly.
- I make my bed. It's the first achievement everyday that sets me up on a goal hunting mission. Don't underestimate this one!
- I try to sing a long to some of my most favourite songs. Especially the empowering ones, but depending on my feeling I sometimes also choose the sad ones. Singing is the most effective way for me to get in touch with my feelings. If you're more into crafting a piece of art or whatever, just do that! I am a really bad singer and when I start to sing people leave the room to stop cringing, but I do it anyways.
- I do sports following the training plan created for me by the app Freelethics, which I really like. I just need someone to tell me which goals I should be achieving today and then work my butt off, because I can be proud afterwards that I did it. Sometimes my muscles are sore and I need to take a day off, but I restart the game as soon as I can.
- Daily step goal: 10k. Also low intensity movement helps your body feel like it is supposed to feel. I listen to a lot of podcasts while walking, so it's not really a waste of time for me.
- Meditate. I use the app created by headspace.com. It's a great app and I really do like it.