I stumbled upon another short post on the positive effects of some bacteria living in soil which could be beneficial for the suppression of depression and other mental problems by positively controlling serotonin levels. I decided to make a small adjustment on my workout routine. Whenever I go out to work out, I will do it on some green space, in a park for example. I will go out for my workout everyday and not stay at home. Last but not least I make it mandatory to walk barefoot through the city every day for at least 2k steps.
Yesterday I joined my singing class for another round of totally awesome singing done by me. Well everyone who knows me also knows, that I am very incapable when it comes to hitting the right notes. That being said I started to take singing classes because I want to improve that.
Singing as always been the best way to express my feelings since I don't really know how to do it speaking for myself (or at least I always feel uncomfortable when doing it). Singing would help me to find peace and calm and cope with my feelings when I was alone and for much longer times than talking about it would do.
During one of my first singing classes I also got to know and important fact, why people like me are wired to use singing to express their feelings and emotions: We as human beings start to sing very early in our lives. In fact: we start it right away. (At least my teacher explained it to me that way.) We scream and cry and laugh and express all of those great feelings by using our voice. When we get older we learn how to behave and how to suppress showing our feelings even though they are still there. Singing then is our way of taking this way of expressing feelings by making noises back and allows us to be and show what we're usually not allowed too. My teacher also told me that this is also the reason, why our voices tend to get higher, when we're very emotional.
The very lesson I took away, however, was the following: I am much better in hitting the notes sung by my teacher or played on the piano when I don't really have time to think. I always used to say "To get something done, you just need to get out of your way". I knew that I had to stop thinking, complaining and worrying about the work I had to do and just do it. So why didn't I just apply this tactics in any field of life? For example the struggle with my inner self when I needed to clean up my room: Why not just do it and safe time? Why not get out of my way when singing? Why didn't I trust myself on this one thing? I can see how this is an important theme throughout all of my life, it did play a very important role in my last relationship, and I will try to fix this asap.
I am studying physics and even though it's very unlikely for me to follow a career as a physicist I would consider myself a scientist. What does that mean? Well, not only do I currently love the song 'The scientist' by Coldplay but I do also observe the world and people around me. I then give hypothesises about why things are the way they are and try to assume what will happen next.
Why do I do that? I don't really know but it's the way I have always dealt with things. This is why I tend to overthink things, but I am relatively good in it, at least that's what I think. This is why I trust my hypothesises so much that I rarely ever try to challenge them once I've come to a conclusion.
Why is this a problem? sd
A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. - Max Planck
Because it prohibits change. The world and especially people change way to far, so static assumption will only hold true for a short amount of time. I now know that I presented myself last year as a person with traits that had ceased to exist years ago. For example I have always described myself as independent of compliments and attention, not caring for the outer appearance of others, controlled and as an introvert. When in fact I seek attention and compliments, I am very picky when it comes to the looks (and everything else), I genuinely enjoy talking to other people and I am sometimes not controlled at all.
Has this been a long term change? I think yes and no. All of those statements were true about 7 years ago, when I was younger, hadn't lost 40kg of weight, was not as confident with myself and probably even more depressed than I am right now. I had adapted to not ever getting compliments since I was not really talking to people, not working on myself and not good looking. I could not talk to new people because I hated smalltalk and was unskilled in speaking with people who didn't share the same interests as me.
I think I lost part of this idea of a static me, when Tim Pritlove said "I am many personalities, which one would you prefer?" when asked about his personality at 32c3. I still hadn't fully given up on it, but now I understand: There is many me (mes? Yes, I'm a mess). They change depending on the persons who surround be, my sleep, the season, the food I eat, the hormones released into my system.
What to do about it? There is not much I can do about it. I will most certainly be subject to change at any given point in time, which is good, because without change there will be no improvements. I for example use it, because I actually change my behaviour when speaking in English. This is actually why I write this blog in English: I can connect better to my emotions. But other than that I can't really to anything. I need to accept myself for who I am before I can move forward. In any situation I can just try to be the best person I can be and accept the outcome. This means I really have to give up the controlling part within me.